In Western culture, death and dying is a subject usually avoided, or tiptoed-around, and yet we all know it’s inevitable. Once acknowledged and spoken about openly, it helps people to be less fearful and more accepting.

The consequences of avoidance

Emotional problems can result when there has been no opportunity for the one who is dying to express their true emotions, and for those remaining to respond.

Loved ones suddenly bereaved without warning will feel sad because they will never again hear the words of love or support of the one who has departed. They may feel angry and abandoned and even guilty that they may be responsible for the illness.

Although the remaining weeks and months may be painful for all, they can also be a wondrous and beautiful time, through giving your family a precious gift they can keep and cherish for the rest of their lives.

How to tell the children

* Explain to your children that you want to have a family conference. Switch off phones and mobiles.

* Sit down close together, not round a table, and link hands or hold each other in some way.

* Begin by telling the children there is a strong likelihood you are going to die (no pussy-footing here!) and it could happen very soon, even within days or weeks.

* There is an old teaching that you should never take something away from someone unless you can replace it with something better.

* Tell your family you love them all very much and you are sad you may be leaving them soon. You may wish to tell them you’re going to a very beautiful place and will be waiting for them, many years ahead, when their turn comes, and that death is not an ending but a continuum.

* Turn to each member of your family, one at a time, including your wife/husband. Addressing each one by name, say ‘I love you’ and reassure them that your death is not in any way their fault, nor are they in any way responsible. Tell them all the qualities you most appreciate in them, and all the things that have made you proud. If there are things you’ve said or done that you regret, now is the time to say you’re sorry.

* Invite each one to respond and to express whatever feelings come up. If there is anger, say it is natural and normal to feel angry and to please express it in a safe way, not only now, but in the coming days and weeks.

* You can expect tears, anger, even someone trying to leave the group. Use whatever means you can to keep them there, even gentle restraint. Don’t offer tissues or cuddles for tears, just sit respectfully until it passes, saying ’It’s OK to cry.’

* Ensure that no-one interrupts whoever is speaking, even if that person is struggling with emotions.

* Invite your children to spend time with you; reading, watching DVDs, playing games, looking at photo albums or home videos. Talk about your childhood, your family, your kids’ early years.

* Make time each day for all of you to sit and share. Laugh, talk, cry together.

* Reinforce all the above when you’re alone with each one, in a gentle and loving way.

* No promises other than ‘I will always love you’.

A time of bonding and healing

I have worked with many clients for whom there was no such loving, caring, sharing before death, and they have carried guilt and self-blame even into senior adult years.

Make this a precious time of bonding, healing and love to help create a memory that will be wonderfully positive for all of you, so that when you leave them, you can go peacefully, knowing you are temporarily leaving a family who can grieve openly and will come to appreciate the benefit of the experience.

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Author’s Details
Niki Cassar DCH DHP MAPHP(ACC)
Hypnotherapist & Past Life Regressionist – Perthshire, Scotland
Website: http://www.nikicassar.com Email: mindfully@nikicassar.com
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